Therapeutic Values That May Enhance Life Part 3
Mind over matter. This is an adage I would hear on occasion when working with the English when I was stationed on a remote island. What a thing to say. Mind over matter? Does this simply imply that whatever material situation has been fabricated can be negotiated with the right attitude? I stood in my 22 year old body awe struck and mildly agitated at their willingness to brave situations under duress. I carried an excuse and dare I say, an attitude associated with what “should” be happening in my life instead of what simply “was” happening.
Years later sifting through the same text that inspired this essay series I ran into it again. Dr. Frankl’s The Doctor and the Soul pointed out the third value associated with overcoming suffering and I cringed when I read it, likely because it brought up old wounds. The value of the attitude towards suffering. If one cannot overcome through creative or experiential means then one must learn to shift their attitude about their situation. Easier said than done right?
The text later goes into detail about how suffering bravely can be an intrinsic hallmark. A mental medal to keep within the trophy case of the soul. Something we can look back on and smile and say “ I went through Hell and still kept it all together.” Sometimes there is power in that. Power in the fact that although Life’s sails have the wind taken out, we still remain resolute. This is not an invitation for stoicism but a blissful reminder in the beauty of accepting certain aspects of fate. What are the givens in life? We are born, we endure, we love and we inevitably succumb to sickness and death. This is not a morbid reminder, but an existential reminder of some of the things that fate has in store for every human being. Fate can be fickle, but also a great teacher.
The following case is near and dear to my heart. It involves a parent who becomes sick and fearful of leaving their children behind. I am sure this feeling is visceral to many. The details about the Client have been fictionalized. The eerie thing is that in any city in the world where there is a hospital, there is likely someone who has been dealt this hand. In this particular instance we navigate the hilly roadside of despair together and they come to the acceptance of fate. They bear it. “ More powerful than fate is the courage to bear it.”
Client: What is it I can do for you?
Therapist: Well the Doctors put in a consult for me to see you, I’m your recreation therapist.
Client: Recreation??!! Do you know what I am here for?
Therapist: Honestly I hadn’t read your chart, I apologize. Do you mind if I inquire as to why you’re here?
Client: …(looks away with disgust)
Therapist: Is there anything I can get for you? I can run to the store downstairs, get you some diversional material?
Client: pfft…can you take me outside?
Therapist: If that’s what you want and the nurse clears you then yes, yes I can.
Client: I’ve been stuck here all week and honestly man, I’m in a dark place. No no, I am not suicidal, but there are some dark places I am in currently.
Therapist: That’s ok. Great trees have deep roots, deep roots can be in dark places.
Client: hmm, never heard that.
Therapist: Well, I still haven’t heard what you like to do. Please. Humor me.
Client: Well at the moment I’m worried about my 12 year old son, I am all he has. It’s just me, my ex split a long time ago.
Therapist: Worried? Say more about this.
Client: my diagnoses, I thought I had the cancer cut out, but yet it was found again. I had just dealt with the relief of this being past me, and yet here it is.
Therapist: Hmm, I am very sorry to hear this. I am also sorry to bring up these wounds. I guess asking about hobbies can seem rather trivial during this time.
Client: It’s not your fault, and we are in the process of going outside. Which is my hobby at large. Fresh air is free. (transfers to wheelchair brought in by nurse).
Outside the hospital is where the remainder of the conversation continues.
Client: It’s nice out today.
Therapist: yeah it isn’t bad. So you mentioned your son. Your all he has huh?
Client: yup, you can call my ex any name in the book. I just recently bought a house so we can have a homestead. My family was a bunch of gypsies for years. This home I bought is a place where my oldest daughter knows she is welcome too. She’s divorced and lives in another state.
Therapist: I see. Back in the room, you mentioned dark places. Is this the dark place? Leaving your children?
Client: (exhales deeply) Yeah. What will become of them? My son is so talented and I have no one else. Even now he is at his friend’s house while I am here. He sends me videos all the time, he’s so special.
Therapist: he sounds special.
Client: God I did not expect this from life. I’m in my 40s man. Dying? God I fear the worst.
Therapist: Have you received a prognosis?
Client: no, they just have another surgery scheduled this week.
Therapist: So no prognosis or any news about dying?
Client: Well no, but it’s cancer and I am certain that this will get me.
Therapist: Hence why you said you did not expect this from life?
Client: yeah, what a crock of shit.
Therapist: Ya know, I was reading a text a while ago written by a physician and the Doctor was told by a patient. ‘ I didn’t expect this from life.’ And the Doctor responded ‘ What does life expect from you?’. So forgive me for asking such as direct question, but what does life expect from you?
Client: from me??!! I don’t know man. I guess paying taxes, working, taking care of my responsibilities.
Therapist: that seems like a presidential campaign. I’m talking about life, existence, consciousness. What does this mysterious thing that we live in expect from us?
Client: I haven’t really thought about it.
Therapist: Ok, humor me. Let’s say this is the finality like you say. Even though you’ve received no prognosis or any indication that death is near. Let’s say it is terminal. What then?
Client: Well I guess I’ll have to sell my house and move into something smaller and place money aside for my son in a trust. Maybe ask my daughter to take him in with my profits and retirement money.
Therapist: ok, then what.
Client: Ya know, then go through chemo, wait around the apartment, and uh wait. Call friends.
Therapist: Just wait around?
Client: Look I don’t know what you want man.
Therapist: I want to know what you really want to do. Come on, I barely know you. You told me this may be the end. So your finality is renting affordable housing and waiting? Can you give me a time in your life when you did something wild and crazy, or least that you thought was crazy. Something you can look back on and say wow I can’t believe I did that, but I did it for me.
Client: (smiles) ok there is a time. My oldest was a senior in high school and my youngest was in elementary. I love Studio Ghibli. I always wanted to go to Tokyo. The cars, the anime, the sushi and ramen. It just felt like a place that wasn’t real. Well one spring I said screw it man. I had my mother who was still alive come down and watch my son and daughter and I flew to Tokyo!!!
Therapist: you just took off?
Client: I was out of there!!! God I felt so alive. I met up with some other Americans and a Japanese pen pal that I met on YouTube years ago. We went all over, it was at the height of the cherry blossoms blooming too and I was in bliss. It was everything. I didn’t even get into the studio Ghibli museum but that didn’t stop me from taking pictures and acting like I did.
Therapist: Wow, what an incredible act. What was life like for you then? I mean was everything smooth sailing?
Client: hah!! Yeah right, I was a single parent barely making it. I had just finished my masters that December and was living off of promises of increased salary, student grants and credit cards. My life was in shambles. I said fuck it though, this is what I gotta do.
Therapist: So despite the hurdles and pains of life, you still endeavored towards what you wanted.
Client: Yeah I did.
Therapist: Years later, you look back on this favorably?
Client: Wouldn’t change it for the world sir.( stares off to the left and starts flipping through photos on the phone). This is what my son built me. It’s a clock made out of Legos. He found the schematic online.
Therapist: This is incredible. What does this picture, this situation, what does it do for you?
Client: I uh… I .. I wish I was there with him. He must be worried about me.
Therapist: What would you do if you were there.
Client: I would hug him and tell him he’s the coolest guy in the world and I am honored to be his parent.
Therapist: That is a beautiful sentiment. It warms my heart to hear this.
Client: I see what you just did there.
Therapist: yes?
Client: Asking me about Tokyo, I jetted off despite whatever. It had to be done. Even if it meant ruin. Yet here I am awaiting surgery and I think I still have some jetting off to do.
Therapist: Another Tokyo trip?
Client: No man, I can still be present and live. I mean if I am to die, then it’s not tomorrow or today. If it’s not within this timeframe then I still have more stories to make.
Therapist: More stories?
Client: More memories, more “jetted off” moments.
Therapist: Maybe something to look back on if this isn’t terminal.
Client: Maybe. If you don’t mind, I’d like to go back to my room. I am going to try and facetime my daughter and ask her how she’s been doing. Then I’ll try and steal a few minutes from my son and tell him that there isn’t a prognosis yet but I am very proud of him.
Therapist: Absolutely. On your assessment for fun I’ll put likes to go outside, sometimes to enjoy a conversation, sometimes to fly to Tokyo.
Client: (chuckles) Next time I go to Tokyo. I am going to need 3 tickets.
Therapist: Don’t forget studio Ghibli passes.
This dialogue concludes the three part essay about values regarding hardship, hurdles and life in general. I added dialogue into this series in hopes of painting a picture of some conversations centered around these values and the process as opposed to the product. The process, meaning the working process of any conversation as opposed to the result. The process of allowing space for someone else to explore their own life within the canvas of their words and thoughts in the moment. The right question can spark creative, experiential or attitudinal insight regarding someone’s own inner world. It’s within the inner world of someone else where the tension or catharsis exists. It’s in this inner world that the values also exist. If we choose and identify with something we find meaningful to us, then almost anything can be overcome.