It feels like I am in a long hallway, the exit stretching ever forward, evading me. It is dark, damp and uncomfortable. I continue to persist forward in this ever-expanding dark rectangle. When will I reach this dim light at the end of the hallway, a vague promise of rehabilitation, an inexact agreement of connection? I can feel and hear my shoes scuffing the superficial layers of the floor in this dimly lit chamber. Piles of debris that lay scantly on the surface take the shape of small talk, pleasantries, sports teams, transient experiences and frothy friendships. My gaze refocuses on the egressing exit, its stark distance reminds me of the dismal ground I have traversed, the connection to this Other I have not made. As my pupils widen to adapt to the darkness, I notice silhouettes of techniques disguised as picture frames on the wall. Their shape is recognizable and that is all I really have to go by. The dial of my inner angst, my own inner insecurities, is turned up. Will I fail to connect with another human in need? Why does it matter? Maybe this client isn’t interested in connection, maybe you are not the one for them? What is this really saying about me? In the midst of my own internal discourses and fear of failure I reach towards a silhouette that is a clinician’s source of purgatory, an easy yet dangerous fix, a hail Mary of connection. Often misused, misunderstood, and abused, the reflex of anxiety laden dread in conversations, advise giving and even in therapy, Self-disclosure.
In my fear of losing a dwindling connection I turn to this modality. I pick up the picture frame off the dark wall and with every ounce I try and discern the image, there is none. It is only darkness with raised grooves on the painting, almost like braille. My hands feel for the grooves, inconsistencies and textures. It feels like depth, it feels like darkness. Darkness is often associated with depth due to absence of light or in this scenario the absence of insight, the lack of solutions, the lack of meaning. It is difficult for me to explain the severity of self-disclosure in regard to depth, but a question always looms in my psyche when this technique enters an area. Is this self-disclosure meant to illuminate my depth or theirs? Impatience persists, I am tired of wading through the shaded prism, I want to reach this light, I want to disclose to this Other and connect. The light at end of the distant corridor is flickering, so much so that when the bright flickering light fades, dark circles in my vision replace what once appeared to blind me. I feel the portrait one last time and begin the ascent towards the terminal. I begin to self-disclose.
There seems to be a moment when engaging with human beings whether it’s a new relationship, an old one, or a therapeutic one where either person in the discourse has a chance to self-disclose. Brought about from leisure pursuits, past woundings of life, present concerns, anxiety about upcoming events, and even common interests. This moment is a chance for another human being to proclaim to the other that, I too, am like you. This addresses one of the fundamental existential concerns, isolation. In the midst of meaninglessness, fear of death, freedom we also have isolation. If you are human and you are reading this, chances are you have felt isolated at some point in your life. Isolation can talk to us, teach us, it can also take us away from who we are and hurt us. Some people that isolate go further into solitude as they may assume there is no chance of connection. Alas another soul comes into the picture and discloses that they too are like the other, and like alchemy, an invisible bond is being formed. The self-disclosure served its purpose and the journey out of isolation has begun.
Sifting through the benefits of this technique, and human act, we have the absurd side of self-disclosure. This act should really be called self-discovery through the medium of someone else who is seeking connection. We have a human being telling his or her story about their existence, their desire to cast a lure and catch connection with another human being, to proclaim who they are and possibly to lessen the burden of isolation. The counterpart of this conversation only hears what the other person is saying and does not feel it. Instead, they feel the hole inside themselves, and self-disclose so that they can reach their own discoveries. Two separate beings on individual paths, two dark hallways seeking to be illuminated. This act is not malicious in the terms of dinner parties, conferences and general encounters. We are human beings and free to choose any form of conversation possible. However, if we engaged in the act of therapy or we choose to truly connect with another human being, self-disclosing in this manner just to simply discover our own issues or to feel better can lead to the opposite effect of connection. People want to connect, to be heard, seldom I feel, we want to just exchange stories for the sake of it. I often find myself dodging certain parties, gatherings and events for the sole sake of the superficial momentary release of existential vacuums without a remedy, without a true connection of another. Some would call this avoidance congruence, some of them would be right in my opinion.
If am to be congruent in dodging these superficial encounters in my leisure time, then I should be congruent in choosing when to truly self-disclose. I should peer into my own darkness, my own hallway and decide if this self-disclosure is for my darkness… or is it for the client’s. Am I self-disclosing because I lack a plethora of conversational skills, observation, philosophical tenants, or am I disclosing because at this very moment in time, this Other may benefit from this technique. through self-disclosure the Other can grasp the similarities in two souls’ existence and find the connection and courage to walk back into the darkness of the corridor or exit the darkness entirely.
Sharing stories, opinions and reflections of our own life can be valuable. It is inherent in our nature to share things. For it to be healing, revelatory, inspiring, insightful, it must be relevant and met with tact, caring and empathy. These three techniques and emotions have little to do with us and everything to do with helping and trying to learn more about the other. These emotions are altruistic in nature, meaning that they have only been used with the idea of beneficence and agape. Agape and beneficence are the disinterested love the Greeks speak of, the type of love Christians revel in, and the love that parents and guardians sometimes wrestle with. I am sharing with you because I hope we can connect, therefore somehow correct our path into a therapeutic, thou relationship.
“I can’t connect with people.” I have you, that’s fine, were here together. “I tried to be creative, I just can’t, maybe I am no good” Everything worth something takes time, I am here with you, we are in this together. “I did a lot of terrible things in my past.” I don’t judge what you’ve done or why you did it, just know I am here with you now to help you move forward. “What if I fail trying this new activity, what if it’s like everything else in my life?” Then we shall endeavor together and share this feeling together. These themes are themes of agape, of unconditional positive regard, of connection. To truly feel heard and safe one must feel connected with another. These feelings are basic but not easy, they are away from the shallows and closer to the dark hallway, the depths. Through self-disclosure there can be a guiding light. Another boat in the ocean amidst our own in the ocean of life, to signal maybe we are not isolated. Another person who is enduring or has endured. Another person that has waded through the hallway of darkness and found the light and is willing to share their means of overcoming, not as an intrinsic inner reward but as a chance to connect so that the person who is ailing can free themselves of the darkness, the depths.
When we finally look at the gravity of our stories and the depths, what they may encompass, then we can discern between entering the benefits or trenches of self-disclosure.
What I have been reading:
The Doctor and the Soul – Frankl
Metamorphosis – Kafka
What I have been listening to:
Behavioral activation, Myths of the world
Summer walker songs
What I have been doing:
Learning how to draw
Working almost 3 jobs
Connecting with friends
Sunset drives